Hostility in the City

I did not grow up in the city, the ol ‘big smoke’. I spent most of my life in a small-ish town, 80 000 people is pretty small-ish. No dirt roads to the one supermarket or anything, but small enough to know that one day you would leave and ‘make something of yourself’. You wouldn’t be stuck here forever where creative dreams die, NO! You would valiantly fight on and finish school and get the hell outa here! Well I’ve been ‘outa here’ for about *counts on fingers…8 fingers* WHAT? 8 years!! I cant believe that! UGH. 8 years. And so far I wouldn’t say that I have ‘made something of myself’. Though that definition is quite broad depending on what it means to you. I finally got a degree!? That counts as something, right? Sigh.

Now that I’ve ‘escaped’ one place, I feel stuck in another. The city  isn’t all its cracked up to be. But then I’m sure neither is the country? Perhaps I just have itchy feet, I’m not easily satisfied, my imagination dreams grander schemes then the world can offer. Or you know, I haven’t yet seen Europe, Asai and America so perhaps dreams do come true? But then again I could be living in Paris, about to explode with irritation accompanied by a gritty feeling between my teeth – the feeling of being trapped. Maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side? How does one reach contentment? BLA BLA questions.

Perhaps I tire of the city because this is the 4th year I’ve been here – I get bored easily, I’ve trod this path too often. Maybe I desire an escape because I feel I have exhausted its resources. This may be why I feel creatively, personally, financially, physically, emotionally, with my whole entire being – STUCK. I’ve explored all the avenues I’ve wanted to explore, I’ve learnt what I’ve wanted to learn. When is it time to say “I came, I saw, I conquered” and move on? We never stop growing, this is true, but can your growth, your creative development be stagnated by a lack of stimuli, inspiration and opportunity? I feel my brain is shrinking and I cant flap my wings, like a bird trapped in a cage.

I feel overly anxious in the city. It’s always had this effect on me. I had to make it a regular occurrence to ‘escape’ on the weekends and refresh myself in nature and time away from the hustle and bustle. New Yorkers, Sydney Siders, yes they would scoff at my interpretation of hustle and bustle, but to me, often this place is too much. At times it does feel like a concrete jungle and people seem so willingly ignorant and self-absorbed in their phones, i-pods and slow shuffled walks in the middle of the path so that you can’t get past cause their overweight…

My frustration must lie in my inability to attain permanent work (and work where I can actually save money). I could save money if I lived in a dive and ate rice noodles everyday, but then my mental stability would quickly deteriorate…hmm…You see how I feel stuck? I can’t leave because I don’t have enough money, I can’t get enough money because I can’t get enough work. BUT I must believe it IS possible for me to leave and in six months time, for that is the goal. Save as much as possible and leave. “If you believe you can, you’re already half-way there”.

I should make these next six months the BEST months of my time in this city. The most creative, productive, ass-kicking months yet! Cue fast forward to six months later and nothing extraordinary happened. Haha. I shouldn’t set my goals too high. Let’s just make the next six months the best I can, which is a reasonable goal. Exhaust all creative connections, make lots of my own work – ie – take more risks! RISK RISK RISK! Stop drinking coffee everyday! (saving at least $35 per week!). Small steps. Everyday take small steps towards your goal. Rome wasn’t built in a day YADIYA and all those sayings.

Hmm small yet large realisation, I create the life I want to live. I’m in control of the state of my room, what I put in my body, who I spend my time with, what I spend my time doing. Concentrate on what you CAN control, not on what you cannot. Alright. Let’s do this. Six months. I work well with deadlines.

What’s your plan of attack to get you out of a ‘stuck’ feeling or situation?


One thought on “Hostility in the City

  1. Every season in our life is for a reason, preparing us for something coming in the future. Maybe you are learning patience and perseverance. I encourage you to pray about your dreams, your creative talents are a gift, you were made to use them! X

    Liked by 1 person

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